Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My emotions with this pregnancy

I am a little over 4 weeks pregnant and the last week or so has been tough. I don't know what to do about what I'm feeling and that makes it even harder. I thought I wanted to get pregnant again right away. I was too impatient to wait any longer. But I really thought it would take a while. Our plan was to try during December and January, then to take a break during February and March. We don't want another December baby and November is pretty full. That would put us into April which is when we were going to start trying anyway. I was happy with that plan.

Of course at the end of every month I've wanted to see a positive test, even before we were trying. Actually in a way I think I wanted that even after Aimee was born. But when push comes to shove I didn't expect it. I need to lose more weight. I worked so hard to lose those 30 pounds and now I'm gaining it right back. I think I want time to just be me. I've spent the last part of my life so consumed with the next step that I haven't lived. I need to find a way to take better care of myself and exercise regularly all the time. I need to find a way to be happy in my own skin. Now I feel like I can't do that how I had wanted to. It is hard enough to figure out how to work out with Aimee around. How in the world will I do it pregnant and with another baby?
A few days before the positive test I started feeling so moody. I've been biting Joe's head off over everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and be by myself. I know it is just my hormones but it is driving me crazy. I don't remember it being this bad last time I was pregnant. It's been a week of feeling this way and I am getting so depressed. Aimee has been really fussy and all I want is for her to sleep 24/7. All I can think is what if I am like this the whole pregnancy? I think that and just sink into myself. I haven't even told my Mom that I'm pregnant yet. I don't want to. I haven't made a doctor appointment. I just feel like I need time to get past this. I feel so bad for feeling this way. I should be excited. Everything just feels like a daunting task.

I think a big part of my disappointment is my belly. I was so gross last pregnancy. My belly never looked cute. It got so huge and half of it was fat. Now I have all this sagging skin and fat. I'm so afraid that I will never look pregnant, just fatter. Until the end when I will just be a whale. I had the breast reduction and was looking forward to being a cute pregnant person finally. But now I have this gut in the way of that. And of course my boobs seem to be growing.

I don't know what to do to stop being this way. I keep telling myself I just need to suck it up and be nice and have a good attitude. But it feels so impossible. I feel like this happened too fast. And I feel guilty for being upset. I am so lucky to have gotten pregnant so fast both times. I know so many people who would kill for that. Joe is even upset at me for feeling this way. I just don't know what to do.