Monday, October 3, 2011

Running late

I never in a million years thought this baby would be late. I had been having regular contractions since about 32 weeks and at 34 weeks was dilated to 2cm. I was sure she would come early. So about 36 weeks I started preparing myself for that. I was honestly very anxious about the idea of labor and delivery. And really completely in denial about the idea of actually having a baby. I could not wrap my head around the fact that I would be bringing a newborn home for the life of me. And in a way I didn't really want to bring her home. The idea of changing my life so much scared me. I just wanted to sleep and not have to worry about it. I was really worried I would have PPD and wouldn't bond with her because of how removed I felt throughout my pregnancy.

As the weeks went on I obsessed over every little feeling. Every cramp, contraction, back ache, etc. Every week my contractions settled down a little more. Every night when my braxton hicks would pick up I would get so full of anxiety over the idea of labor. But every day I would feel more and more desperate to start labor. By 40 weeks I felt like I was at least 2 weeks over due. And my doctors didn't help me feel any better. At my 37 week appointment I was seen by a doctor who only works at our clinic once a month. He came in the room and said, "so since you pushed out a moose last time, we know size won't be an issue". But he went on to say that since I was a type 2 diabetic, I was at very high risk. He said my baby would be stillborn, she would have a shoulder distocia, etc, etc. He wanted to induce right away. I said no way and he said well then I sure hope I'm not on call when you go into labor. I agreed. But he did order biweekly NST's and an ultrasound. My Mom had gone with me to the appointment. We had planned to go eat lunch then take Aimee to the beach. We ended up going to the NST, rushing home, then back to the hospital for the ultrasound. Our day was shot. The NST went perfectly and so did the ultrasound. Baby was measuring at about 6 pounds.

I continued doing my NST's twice a week. They always looked perfect. At 40 weeks I was sent for another ultrasound. Baby was now measuring about 7 pounds. Everything looked good except that she was basically facing up with her face smashed into the side of my placenta and her head turned back in a funny position. I went home and spent the next 2 days doing everything I could to get her to move over and into my pelvis. It really hurt whenever she would move her head and arms. It felt like she was scraping along my insides. After spending the day on my birthing ball and on my hands and knees I felt like she had moved over a bit and it stopped hurting so badly when she moved. To me that was progress.

At 39 and 40 weeks the doctor stripped my membranes. The first time he stretched me to a 3 and I bled. I had an NST right after that. The monitor was picking up contractions every 2 minutes. My nurse didn't even want to schedule my next NST because she was so sure I would be back in L&D that weekend. It didn't happen. Instead I showed up to my next NST and my 40 week doctor appointment. It was at this appointment that the doctor scheduled my induction. He really didn't want me risking placental issues by waiting too long. I believe this was on a Thursday and my induction was supposed to be Monday. We discussed doing a Foley bulb induction but I was too far dilated. I very reluctantly agreed to the induction then went to my NST. As we drove home I began to think about what an induction would mean. Aside from all the regret about not getting to go natural, I realized. All my coping methods for pain were out since I would be stuck on the bed hooked up to monitors. I was very afraid and anxious about how bad it would hurt and how I would cope. By the time we got home I had all but decided not to induce. I realized my NST's were fine, the ultrasounds were fine. I was only 40 weeks. There was no good reason to induce. I thought it over and by Saturday was sure I would be telling the doctor I wanted to wait until 42 weeks.
Over the weekend I had even less contractions. I tried everything to get things going and get her in position. Sex, walks, the labor ball, hands and knees, constant squatting. Nothing worked. I did feel that she had gotten into a better position the last time I has tried to move her. And the doctor had said that her head was down a bit more. But still not enough to start labor. Every day I found some abstract reason to be sure labor would start soon. I was always wrong.

My Grandparents and some other family came on Sunday to spend a few days at a beach house nearby. I spent the evening visiting them and couldn't stop thinking how much better it would be to have my baby in my arms at this point. I regret that I spent the last days of my pregnancy so focused on things being over that I forgot to enjoy it. I stopped taking belly pictures, stopped enjoying feeling movement. My hormones were raging out of control for the last few weeks. I was so irritable, so depressed, and just felt desperate. Looking back it really wasn't that long and I should have taken the time to enjoy it. Especially since I wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I had been with Aimee. Anyway, by Monday I had decided to tell my doctor to induce me on Wednesday. I had done my research but out of fear decided to ask him to break my water instead of use pitocin.